Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Lightbulb Clicks ON.

I need to let go of the past. I live in now..and I need to think only about that. Forget what use to be, forget that i'm the one here.
I mean...everyone else has a new life they've created, new friends, so on and so on.
All ive been trying to do is to fill the gaps of my world. I hate still being here for so many damn reasons.
Lack of the people I care about.
I guess I was making it alright then Kelsea got grounded and I felt like everyone was pretty gone. I don't mind spending my nights reading or writing..or finding new music. Though I probley shouldn't..i should try to go out. Bleh.
I'm reallly in love with All American Rejects at the the fifth power.
I wrote a really loooooong letter to him to just shake everything out. Still have no idea where I am..but then again that's life really. The type of moment when you turn to look at your friends and notice they have the same look of confusion on their face.
Nobody ever knows, its all about taking chances. Putting yourself out there, which kinda sucks by the way.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Close. Yet soooooo darn far.
I think i've picked up his habit of over analyzing everything. heh, thats sorta amusing.
This is really random..maybe i'll get back on track soon. For now i'll continue the random ramble.
Darn it i really need a job...
Flipping flying frying pan. *sigh*
I siriusly need to get my life on track..i can't seem to do anything..stupid lack of transportation. Why are people so darn negative?!
I can understand for a little bit..but running away from things that make you happy..gah.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Funny how the tide turns hmm? Knocked myself out of the little pity stage I was in. Yes, I'm still waiting. No I will not keep that attitude you saw the last two posts.
Todays the concert, wooo! I'm so excited! I've been listening to Blink 182 and All American Rejects..and eee so awesome! Take extra pics at Escape the Fate twin! *sniffle* :]
Off to class..Test today, good thing I studed.
So..if you don't watch glee..go to and watch it! It's such an epic show if your a fan of random dancing/singing lol Or tune in wendesdays at 8!
For twin: just threw on a new indie robe kinda spaghetti strapped dress, red teeny elephant necklace and flats. Don't feel like actually getting dressed till concert time lol Lazzzzzy..
Almost freaked when I saw my hair color in the mirror...<3 <3 <3 <3 it.
Okays off to class, byes!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Simply Said So

Today it's raining and cold, lovely weather. No sarcasm intended, I love the soft breeze of the wind as people splash through rain puddles. It does make me wish I had rainboots though.
Listening to my ipod that has seldom left my ear minus class and my lunch break where instead i opted to read like the dork I am.
Ran quite a lot last night, started to feel quite empowered about running. I have the emotion to drive me to it every night.
It's really odd having Kelsea grounded. I'm so use to her texting me back and forth, or us randomly meeting up in the week trying to hold together the complete utter caios that has happened lately.
I don't want to be thought of as weak. I'm trying very hard to handle it without clinging to people. I'm studying whenever I can for History Thursday and Algebra Friday. Then I work Friday Night, Saturday twin's birthday. Sunday evening I work. Then the week starts all over again. Focusing on Kelsea making sure she dosn't do anything stupid pulling a Romeo and Juliet to be with James. The thought of leaving to be with him has been threatend. ack. Not if I can bloody help it. I think she will be fine though until her month of grounding is over. I can't wait for that..I miss her already.
Waiting to hear from Cole, he was pretty sick last time I checked. I'm doing ok it just being me though.
I wish for Karma to get a little better. And not to randomly feel like i'm going to cry heh..not fun.
I'm not a very good actress anymore. Or maybe I just don't care enough to conceal my feelings. Whatever it is i'm not sure but either before class or afterwards i'm stopped and asked why i'm not that normal girl with a ready smile and laugh. I try to pass it off, oh nothing.
I save all my acting for the phone. For facebook. Twitter.
Thursday is going to be hell. I do not look forward to it.
It's kinda odd. I don't feel like i'm on a ledge or thin idea. Not serene..quiet maybe. Determined. Sad. Shielding my heart with all my might. I'm holding the pieces together as strong as I can.
It's not always like this. Moments I'm fine, just me. Then something happens to remind me, or I just remember.
This is lame. I know I could try to forget and move on but I don't feel like pretending.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Don't let the music Fade

Open a window beside Facebook. Put the phone away and resist the urge to text.
I fold my hands quietly in my lap trying hard not to open a new chat window. With him. So hard resisting the urge I hold my hands tighter in a knot. I can be stronger then this.
Blast the music. Run. Do anything but don't let the music stop and the silence start. Stopping and thinking is the end.
Schedule the hair appointment, pretend nothing has happened. Go on, Smile, Study, and Work.
How exactly do you continue to put one foot infront of the other. There's no other way then to just keep going. This is no sob story.
This is waiting.
This is where your heart can't quite be broken because the chance is still there. Where you know it isn't a dramatic moment because it's not over. Yet the waiting and scars scare you until your wondering what this is.
Already you ask how much longer. It has just begun.
Let the soft music play with your varying mood. One moment its loud and blaring, the next gentle like the past moments. It's up and down reminded of that credit score roller coaster commercial..
You wonder if you could fall asleep like Sleeping Beauty and pass the time with your eyes closed the world stopped around you until the cliche love interest wants to wake you.
Before the emotions come in all one big rush like a waterfall, and it feels like the end. You feel low and maybe you think I won't recover at all.
I don't feel like that.
I feel like myself only a bit lost. Like walking through a dream, sad but not depressed.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Emmys with not so much fun

Todays Sunday..which of course the date thing says, I just felt like I should say it.
Didn't do much today, went to work. did algebra homework. went on break with bf. blah blah blah
break with bf? I won't even go there.
Watching the Emmys, always fun. I sort of feel like i'm on autopilot..its quite interesting. As if something in the back of my mind keeps saying, "one foot infront of the foor infront of the other..and at some point you'll get to off break".
Its times like these I laugh at myself and shake my head. Then at the same time, if it works.
I say I won't mention it but it slips, oopsie.
****Pros in my life:
There's a chance I could be a server at Lakewood which means $10 an hour
I'm enrolled in school
I do have one man in my life. My dog Frodo who came over to lick up my tears :)
I have a twin who is beyond amazing and friends who really care about me
I can go clubbing.
I've lost weight and i'm on the way for more.

Home=Not fun
I do have another guy in my life, its just postponed which means I have to wait.
No Car.

I know it will help that everyones coming in this weekend, i'm really darn excited to see them. Just keep it moving. Sell my ticket hopefully..then it can go towards something productive like a cute clubbing dress instead of just waste. Blah..don't really feel like talking. More so I think i'll just go finish watching the Emmys and listen to music.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I just..mmmmm

It's Friday which can make any day seem better no matter how you feel when you wake up.
Since I only had a 50 minute class to attend I got to sleep in which was fantastic!

for twin: black cross strapped baby doll top, skinny jeans, rustic once gold charm checklace single layer, and layered braclets with checkered vans. I'm feeling lazy maybe due to my hair that today seems like I walked off the coast with beach waves.
Today was fun :) Becca is going to take me to numbers sometime since i'm 18 yay! And I had fun being my dorky self today..
summary: Since I was given a stick I ended up dancing around with it which led to me being called a Which of course I took in stride and started my education of being mad at those silly apartments for stopping the natural cycle of the trees in this area! ;) lol well maybe not the last part..but it was hard to put that stick down. "I love me some tree".
Out on the docks I got a teeny bit distracted...and started singing my own techno song and danced around like I was a secret agent getting amusement sawing at the old rope which one thread at a time lol.
Then later on..I danced under the garage singing I'm a maniac..maniac on the floor! lol..yeah its been a good day to say at the least.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ha hum...

Taking a break from my Art Appreciation studying extravaganza so my head doesn't exactly explode. My day today..was wonderful for the most part. One of my friends who I sort of knew at Clear Lake, Rebecca, and me hung out before Algebra and checked out all the club tables. Ironic fact: She's a distant cousin to Matt..haha
Needless to say we nearly got attacked by club members willing to recruit any passerby. On the up side, I found three clubs I really like. Yeah, yeah three is a lot lol but one only meets twice a month so I don't think it shall really be a problem. Plus..I'll admit i'm the lame one out of everyone and I havn't exactly tried to make new friends just because home, working out and school work keeps me pretty busy then Kelsea and twin fill up the rest of the time. Though that is changing! I mean I have Eric that I randomly see before Algebra also and of course Art appreciation to hang out with (yay for him being a dork also!) but it would be nice to have a few other people.
Though listening to Alex go on and on bout how she might like Rico takes up some time too lol (I love you mini)
Fustrations throughout the day but I don't see them vanishing anytime soon..*Small growl* Other then that i'm still bouncing about pretty good.
I'd like to take this moment to ask if anyone reads this..send good karma to twin! She needs to have a beyond amazing day tomorrow :) She definitley deserves it.
Can't wait to start planning the trip to Flordia this summer for the Harry Potter convention and theme park...i am such a small child when it comes to this. I swear I shall be worse then if you gave me a dozen cupcakes at three am. So those coming: youve officially been warned. Though I suppose you all really won't be any better either hehe.
Oh and twin: I'm reallly falling in love with've passed on the trait.
Glad this is actually a pretty upbeat blog, I know lately its been kinda up and down..rollercoaster circular warp speed sorta crazy.
OH! more good news..Ive talked to my bank and instead of having to save up a whole bunch of money and everything I qualify for an auto loan that i can just pay off monthly..sure it shall be a little more expensive..but its still pretty awesome :)
lurv mia

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Another day

Wow..watching Bones and one of the guys being interrogated is played by the actor whose from Boy Meets World. He played Sean! lol ok anyways..
Unlike my twin, it is not a beautiful day here..sorta sticky but cool for the most part which is nice. I went to History Class and we randomly did a "get to know your neighbors" excercise. It was actually funny trying to scramble to different desks and talk for only 30 seconds. Did I make friends? As much as you can cramming in Himynameis i'mfrom..igraduatedin.. ^_^
Spent the rest of my time before Art doing two outlines, ate lunch, and did algebra..Finally went to art, I adore that class so much now! Starting to get much better at naming what period a painting is from by looking at characteristics.
Though..I was freezing my butt off. The West side of the building is so cold you can half expect penguins to be waddling down with the illusion its Antartica.
Need to decide what color to dye my hair..arg..i can't decide. Obviously i'm in a shade range..but I can't figure out the specific color.
Now if you excuse me i'm off to live, breathe, and inhale art for my test Thursday.
Oh this happened for luck: My History Test is next thursday..:( humph so much for skipping class

Monday, September 14, 2009

Cloud 9

*happy dance*
compromise. off break. focus on school. thats all i shall say bout him from now on in this blog minus the oh i miss him lol
that's all for this blog posting..
song- Celebration ;)


Waking up and realizing its honestly not a nightmare is possibly the worst thing that can happen to a person. I'm glad to say though..the day always brings new things. After waking up and having a dream about him of course..i guess counting sheep in my attempt to stop this from occuring didn't work. It was a silly optimitisc dream where I suggested that when he's down here we date then go back to putting it on hold where he's took a moment to smack myself before turning on my playlist. Like he'd do it anyways..but I can dream that the break won't last till i'm in San Antonio..Summer maybe? A girl can dream.
Like a zombie I threw on my favorite comfy All Time Low shirt, skinny jeans, and just flats and pinned back my hair. I almost started crying but deep breaths kept me fine until I got to the car. Shuffle on, Halo came on....its amazing how a song that's suppose to be happy can send you over the edge. I made it to English class and focused..then it turned out I didn't need to. Going over an arguementive paper, the one thing i'm really good at..Ethos..Pathos..blah blah blah. Zoning out wasn't really an option, it was more of a requirement.
For the sake of not boring you to tears, I won't share what stayed on my mind.
After class I already was fixing to put my headphones into my ear when my friend Rebecca stopped me and asked me that question. The one you never really want to answer.
"Are you ok?"
At first I felt the tears come up then I stopped and almost laughed. "My boyfriend asked for a break".
Cue the sad understanding look, most girls know what break means. I found the tears vanishing as I actually laughed agreeing with her look. " does suck." I explained everything how its really just on hold..and how hopefully it will pick back up. It's just painful right now dealing with the status of girlfriend being take away and merely given the title friend. A title that you know obviously many people in that persons life holds.
I know i'm going to be ok. It won't be easy, and I know there will be times for a bit where I'll want to cry..or just feel my heart twist. For now though..i'll put my heart in a secret compartment.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

This goes out to my boyfriend, who will never read this. I have to get this out..
I'm sorry I'm not some epic girlfriend that has a car and can come and get you or has a lot of money to get you to come down. But when you talked to me last night i literly felt six inches tall. I felt beneath you, like everything i did was wrong and stupid in your eyes.
"Everything you try to do falls through".
Picking you up from the airport didn't fall through. Staying at my house didn't fall through. One time getting you to San Antonio fell through. I'd do anything to help you, but newsflash its not my responsibility.
Then when I tried to explain hopefully when I get my car things will get easier silence filled the air, I know you doubt me. Then you asked me the question that confirmed this. "How much do you have put aside"
Let me tell you something please. Within the past month I spent 600 on San Jac between my payment, textbooks, supplies, and other things I needed. I don't make 600 a month..right now I make 280 to 320 a month. My san jac payment is 240 and my cell phone 57. That right there is nearly 300 dollars. I'm not asking for pity but I don't like your tone of voice, I do not sit on my flipping butt all day long. Im cleaning after everyone, trying to keep things together..its not easy. However i'm sure you think so.
I understand your stressed, I really do. I know how you get when your stressed, but me being your target? It really hurts. Somehow its my fault..its usually that. Have you noticed? It's a two way street. I called my Twin because Kelsea and Alex couldn't calm me down, I was just crying. I don't understand how I keep screwing up, i honestly don't..What am I doing wrong? What am i ACTUALLY doing wrong?
You said we text everyday? I love you but that's BS. Sometimes we don't text at all and then when we do its for about ten to fifteen minutes. I'm not asking for a lot. I'm honestly not! Maybe every other day I just want to hear your voice for five minutes. That's all.
Lately you act like i'm not worth it, like all I do is add to your stress. After crying and shaking and feeling like absolute crap I want to tell you something.
I am worth it.
You may not think so, but I am.
I love you. I can promise I love you with my whole heart. I really honestly care about you, everything that I am actually able to do..I do. Whenever your stressed, if you call me? I'll try to calm you like I use to do. I never even look at another guy, because I'm so happy to have you..but if just me isn't enough..I don't know how I can make you happy. Because i'm not changing, this is who I am. And i will never be one of those girls who bends to the guy. You should know that..i'm too stubborn, and I get enough of it already.
And i'm not weak. The people who really love me see that and they know. Maybe my life looks easy but its bloody sure not. You were once in a situation like mine, you got out..ive still been here.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I'm siriusly loving today. Only class was college algebra 50 minutes long. Although I'd like to thank Teka for sending the pouring rain from San Antonio down to Houston, as it is now raining outside my window. It's great for cool temperatures but with the added humidity i'd like to thank the stars for once that my boyfriend is at UTSA and can't see my current fro. Today i'm going to continue with aerobics no matter how painful or easy it would be to just laz about and read..its just hard actually getting back into the workout routine. Sore...

Last Night Vampire Diaries premiered on the CW, this show along with Glee and Bones i'm definitley going to be keeping an eye on. Did i mention that Vampire Diaries has better effects then Twilight did in theaters? The honest truth.

So for my twin: Outfit forecast- Black spaghetti strapped dress with white flowers along hem and top, navy long sleeved cardigan, pirates of the caribbean necklace, and simple black flats. Hair thrown back in a pony tail :)

I end this offbeat blog with this a song i've been stuck on all day:

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Here We Go!

Alrightys, so. This is obviously a blog (otherwise your very confused at the moment of why you stumbled across the rambling of an 18 yr old girl).
Back to business!
This blog has been created on numerous accounts.
1. Mainly due to College everyone is spread all over the country! Ok..thats a bit dramatic, really just all over Texas. So my friends and me are using this to keep in touch with each other Hi morgan! cole! twin! ^_^
2. Everyones got a lot to say..annnnd i'm part of everyone.
3. Why not?..see, I bet you can't think of anything.

I guess in this blog posting i'll do a little "get to know me". That terrible thing you have to do whenever you start the first day of school or when you step into college and you have one of those teachers who decides they have to know random facts about you.

I go to San Jacinto at the moment working on my freshmen year, but I plan to transfer to UTSA or Trinity.
I adore music to the point of going to concerts and getting your ears nearly blasted off, its really fun.
I'm a writer, not to sound cliche or anything lol. I love to write, i'm currently working on two stories, though I have another one on a back burner. Will I post stuff? Possibly maybe so..
Now for a random word montage of things I like!
Harry Potter <3 <3 <3......Glee......British Invasion....Bones.....History....Vampires....Forensics...Art appreciation (One of my classes..its fantastic)...and Fashion

I believe that's enough for the moment, i'm off to cook dinner! Taking left over cocktail shrimp and boiling pasta to make a yummy alfredo dish.
by the way: if you havn't heard or watched Glee..just do it. It's epic.